The Pig, The Man, and a Peace Officer

ONCE upon a time, a pig was caught lying and sentenced to life in a cage. Everyday, he hopelessly tried to squeeze his body through the iron bars.

By chance a man came walking by.

“Free me, please free me!” cried the pig.

“No way,” replied the man, “you probably beat me if I did.”

“No, not at all!” swore the pig with many oaths; “On the contrary, I will be grateful and serve your community like I serve mine!” 

The pig sobbed and sighed and wept and begged, the man’s heart softened, and he agreed to open the cage and release the pig.

The pig pounced on the man, “What a fool you are! Nothing is going to stop me from beating you NOW!

The man pleaded with the pig to fulfill his oath, but the pig only promised to accept the decision of the first three things the man chose to ask regarding his actions.

So the man first asked a baobab tree what it thought of the matter, but the baobab tree replied coldly, “What are you talking about? Don’t I give you plenty of shade, and don’t you in return break my branches for fun? Don’t whine, be a man!”

The man walked further down the road until he saw a cow turning a well-wheel; but this chance in counter didn’t go well either, for the cow was pissed. 

“You are a fool! How can you expect gratitude? When I produced milk, you fed me grass and vegetables, but now that I am dry, you watch me starve!”

Finally, the man asked the road to be his judge and jury.

“My dear friend,” said the road, “how foolish you must be. Here am I, useful to everybody, yet you, break bottles and throw trash on me constantly.”

After hearing how the road really felt, the man turned around, and on his way back he met a peace officer, who asked him why he was looking so miserable?

The man told the peace officer everything that happened. 

“The pig is going to do what???” said the peace officer. “Hold on, i’m confused, tell me that story again.” 

The man told the story again, but the peace officer scratched his head and still didn’t understand any of it.

“I am terribly hard of hearing,” said the peace officer, sadly, “it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Can you please show me the place where it all happened, and then perhaps I shall be able to understand your story.”

So, the two returned to the cage.

“You’ve been gone a long time!” squealed the pig, “but now let’s begin our beating.”

OUR BEATING!” yelled the man as he pleaded with the pig. “I need five minutes. I need to explain what happened to this peace officer, he’s clueless.”

The pig agreed to freeze, and the man began to tell the whole story again.

“I GOT IT!” yelled the peace officer. “The man was in the cage when the pig came walking by?”

“Dumb, dumb,” interrupted the pig, “I was in the cage.”

“Really!” replied the peace officer. “Ok, I got it now. The pig was in the man, and the cage came walking by. No, that’s not right either. You might want to start beating him while I try to figure this out.”

“No, it can wait. You need to understand what happened!” agreed the pig. 

“Ok, tell me what happened again,” said the peace officer.

“I’m the pig, he’s the man, and that’s the cage!” said the pig. “And, I was in the cage. Now, do you understand?” 

“I think so,” said the peace officer. “But, may I ask a question.”

“Ask away,”  said the pig.

“How did you get in the cage?” asked the peace officer.

“In the usual way,” answered the pig.

“But, what’s the usual way?” asked the peace officer.

The pig lost his patience, jumped into the cage, and screamed, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW!”

“Completely!” responded the peace officer as he smiled and shut the cage door for good.